Bag Lady

Some personal archival reflections from my earlier writing days that I wanted to share.

I’ve been overwhelmed with thoughts lately. I’m an avid worrier. Situations that present themselves as unfamiliar or even, in some cases, familiar will trigger me to excessive thoughts and over analysing. Sometimes I find myself in a constant battle of not knowing whether to act now or later, fearing that I may act prematurely or too late. Either way, both alternatives may lead to my least desirable outcome.

But I rely on certainty; it gives me peace of mind and comfort. Shelter and clarity. Although one can only laugh at the overarching paradox of desperately seeking certainty in a world which will effortlessly remind you that things will always be uncertain.

Not so long ago, I was listening to Bag Lady by Erykah Badu, whilst I stared emptily outside my train window. A song that carries a gentle but unmistakable message, and that is to let it go. For many of us, we tend to hold on because letting go deepens our sense of loss, so rather than deal with those painful emotions of relinquishing what does not serve us at present, we latch on. From here, we begin to embody the character Badu poignantly depicts ‘Bag Lady’.

“Bag lady you gone hurt your back

Dragging all them bags like that

I guess nobody ever told you

All you must hold on to

Is you, is you, is you

One day all them bags gone get in your way…

…So pack light…

Bag lady you gone miss your bus

You can’t hurry up

Cause you got too much stuff…”

Emotions are important — however troublesome. They teach us so much about ourselves, they live within our past, present and future. They guide us, but can also easily weigh us down. Baggage in the context Badu sings about, arises from the inability to let go of our past experiences and the pain that came with them. Rather than processing our loss, grief or regret we house it and allow it to travel with us, when in fact it needs to be left behind so that we can carry on our journey peacefully and welcome the new that life patiently has waiting for us.

If you’re someone who tends to need certainty, you may find that you are also akin to regret — a form of baggage that lives in the past but unscrupulously spills into our present. But regret can be blinding. It tricks you into believing that had you done X instead of Y; then things would have been different, perhaps even better. But this frame of thought is not only destructive due to the constant rumination and self-loathing that it facilitates. It is deceiving. It blindsides you into thinking that you have more control over some of the events in your life than you do in actuality.

I find that holding onto baggage sometimes allows us to justify not being fully present or vulnerable. So we hide behind it, allowing it to box us in, so that we don’t have to make the space for the uncertain new.

‘All you must hold onto is you’ — when you choose to hold onto yourself, you begin to loosen your grip on certainty, validation and the past. Right now, I’m learning how to find comfort in uncertainty. I’m learning that I don’t need to know it all — although I want to. I’m learning that things do work out for the best, even if it does take some time or it comes around in a roundabout way. I’m learning that true peace comes from holding onto myself and those who love me dearly.

I’m learning to pack light.